How Real Jeepers Remove the Cork From a Bottle of Wine. . .
1. Call buddies and have them come over with their Jeeps (fully loaded and ready for action)
2. Air down tires to 0 psi
3. Lay wine bottle down in soft ground (sand, wet mud, etc)
4. Drive onto bottle so that it is firmly secured and cannot move (better use a Spotter for this step; one wrong move and the whole operation could be ruined!)
5. Dig a small hole with your camp shovel under the mouth of the bottle, just big enough for a Dixie cup to fit underneath
6. Pull out your tire chuck and air hose, and connect to your York on-board air system
7. Locate an extra tire valve and some JB Weld from your spare parts box
8. Using your Leatherman Multi-Tool, cut off the rubber end of the tire valve and file the metal shroud to a sharp point
9. Punch a hole through the cork using the cleaning awl from your tire repair kit
10. Quickly jam the valve stem through the cork and secure with JB Weld
11. Beer break
12. Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a little late
13. After JB Weld has hardened, attach air chuck to tire valve and "pressurize" bottle until cork pops out
If that doesn't work . . .
1. Use your valve stem removal tool to remove the stem from the tire valve
2. Retrieve a can of starting fluid and waterproof canister of matches from your spare parts box
3. Spray a generous amount of starting fluid into the tire valve and remove one match from the canister
4. Yell "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" and toss lighted match towards tire valve opening
5. Make sure no one is in the line of fire . . .h!t . . . use Leatherman tool to remove tire valve from buddy's forehead, who wasn't listening and seems to be stuck on Step #11 above anyway, as there are a heck of a lot more empty beer cans on the ground than you remember just a little while ago!
6. Temporarily patch hole in buddy's forehead with Duct Tape and take him to the Emergency Room
7. Talk to cute nurse
8. Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a bit later still; ask if she wouldn't mind take-out
9. Obtain a 1/2-inch or larger self-tapping eyelet from your spare parts box and screw it into the cork, which is still firmly wedged inside of the wine bottle
10. Secure with a generous application of JB Weld; don't want this baby slipping out like the tire valve!
11. Beer break
12. Have buddy with new Warn HS9500i winch play out about 20 feet of cable and attach hook to eyelet in cork
13. Throw cardboard from empty case of beer over winch cable for safety
14. Slowly take up slack in cable and continue to pull until cork pops out of bottle
15. Dammit! Promise buddy to pay for the damage caused by the wine bottle traveling at slightly subsonic speed through his windshield
16. Take buddy back to Emergency Room for treatment of lacerations from shattered glass
17. Talk to cute nurse again and get her phone number this time
18. Call girlfriend to see if she will be free next Friday; offer to take her out to dinner
19. Stop at the Corner Store and buy another case of beer
20. Call cute nurse to see what time she gets off work; ask her if she likes beer. Great!!
21. Throw bottle of wine in garbage can!
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